literature

Dear Grandma- Wherever you are.

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Literature Text

Dear Grandma,

It was hard to turn the calendar page this year and find that February had snuck up on me again. A lot has gone on in the recent months. I stepped into February 1st with high spirits and a strong back. I was going to stand tall and make it through okay for the first time. Go through like when we would walk around the backyard together; utterly carefree.

A lot has changed recently, hasn't it? I was slow about it, but I took my first steps in my grown-up shoes. I fumbled around for a bit, much like when I tried to wear grandpa's work shoes as a toddler, but I walked across the stage and got my diploma. Like I promised you I would. It was one of the best feelings of accomplishment I had ever felt. Soon after I got a job, and shortly after received my promotion. I feel so busy all the time, and I find that months pass and I haven't come to see you. The realization makes me feel like I've swallowed a rock. But in time, I will come to see you.

You'd be so excited for me right now though. So much opportunity knocking at my door right now. The chance to go to college, to get a career that I will love...and remember that boy I spoke so highly of last time we saw each other? We've been together all this time. I love him so very much. He's such a gentleman too, I know you'd love him too if you'd met him.

The grown-up shoes are starting to fit me a little better. I've gotten my own car, been paying my own bills, making my way out into the world. It still amazes me how immensely huge the world looks at 20 years old. So many things that I want to see and do! I want to send you postcards from the different states I've been to, show you all of the pictures I've taken from the travels I've taken so far. I want to hear all of your stories again from when you traveled the same places, and stepped on the same stones.

It shreds my heart up to know that I wont be able to.

5 years have flown by, but at the same time, it feels like forever. I had to count twice to be sure that the calendar wasn't lying to me. Everyone says that the older I get, the more I look like you. And I can finally see it now. In my prom pictures, I look just like you did on your wedding day. I almost wonder if that's why grandpa wont talk to me anymore. I wonder if he sees too much of you in my face, and hasn't gathered the strength to face that?

I've come a long way since you left us. It wasn't easy though. Feels like I walked through hell and back. I can't remember much from 2007, but I can remember your death clearly. I don't know why I told Mom I wanted to stay home and not come see you. Self-preservation maybe, but I remember when everyone called me to say you were gone. I was glad. You were no longer in pain. That's all my heart could comprehend at the time. I imagined you went with a smile on your face. You always smiled, even when it was bad.

I was numb for a week. I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything. I tried going to school the day after, to take some very important tests. I did one, and passed with flying colors. I couldn't make myself go for the rest of them. The ache of your absence finally started to creep in. I swore up and down to everyone around me I was okay. I thought I was for a little while. Looking back on their worried expressions, I should have known that my world was going to crumble down to nothing for a little while.

I cant deny anymore that I hurt myself. I hurt myself a lot. I remember you always telling me that my heart was big. So was yours, grandma. Did yours ever fill up with this much hurt? You weren't with me long enough to teach me strength like I have now. I didn't know what to do with all of that pain. I believe I tried to let it out through that physical damage. It hurt more and more when I would come to find that it didn't ease my heart any. I even tried to end my life a few times, because it hurt so much. I wanted to be with you so badly.

In hindsight, I do believe it was you that refused to let me die on those occasions.

Things were ugly for a long time. I cried more than I slept, I had to move from Mom's house, and transfer schools. I remember you telling me not to put too much faith into boys until I got older. But if I didn't have Matt with me, or my other friends, I don't think I could have ever made it back out into the sunlight. Matt held my hand through everything. He's just as stubborn as we are.

There are still days that are hard. They said on the TV a few weeks back that there have been several breakthroughs for a cancer cure. My heart ached, feeling it was a few years too late, but I knew the news would make you smile regardless. You were always so selfless like that. There are days as well that I still find things I want to show you, to bring home to you, and to share with you. I still cry through the night sometimes too. I learned that the pain never goes away, but I have learned to cope with it a little more.

There are going to be so many things I want to share with you and show you far into the future. There are so many things I hope and wish that you will know of. You still come into my dreams every now and then, but I still wake feeling like we didn't spend near enough time together. Not a single day ever goes by without my thinking of you.

So until we get to be in each other's arms again, I love you so very much. If I could say it to you a million more times I would.

Until that day comes, I will keep burning these letters in hopes that the message reaches you, wherever you are.

There are no words for love, just hugs and kisses instead.
xoxoxo/ Caitlin
On February 12, 2007, my grandmother passed away due to pancreatic cancer. I was 15, and it forever rocked my world.

I still have a very difficult time with this.

If you choose to comment, great. Just keep it positive.
© 2012 - 2024 Teh-Pandacoon
Comments6
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Hedgehogian's avatar
This was...I dunno.
Moving? Yeah, moving
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I want to say something..But I'm not sure what.
This was great.
You write very well!